My Resolve
by NeeC311
Summary: Sadness is best dealt with a pen and piece of paper. Depression is best handled by to some in only one way, suicide... (Broe)


My Resolve  
  
  
  
  
  
It's been years since I've known her scent. The silky touch of her velvety creamed skin. How her head fell into the grove of my neck when sometimes the pain was too unbearable to handle alone. If only I could have done something then and maybe today I wouldn't feel the constant lurking of loneliness. Days that are better forgotten still torment. I remain unmoved even though I did move on. I know this is what she would have wanted but I still can't get over her. The love we began, shared, and made through nights.   
  
'It's time,' I thought as I finally realized I couldn't no longer keep it within myself. Unlike her, I could never be as strong. Take the past she's known and walk with it as if it were my best friend, a long time companion. It was times when I thought I'd collapse from her hurt but when I felt the withered touch of her lips all wrong would leave. And all that would be left was the embellishing memory. I couldn't let it go. It couldn't die out. Staying with me through the years up until this day. When I should finally let it go by writing it down. Expressing the glory and the pain. Down to the moment I've since then haven't accepted. And so our story shall begin.  
  
I met her during my college years…  
  
******  
  
Setting at the kitchen counter of the dorm he stared for a moment, then Phillip wrote in his journal spiritually. Releasing any frustrations that boggled him at his present state. And had been boggling him now were his grades. Before he knew it, his nephew was entering their dorm around the same time of the day as usual.  
  
"Writing in your diary still there Uncle Phil?" Brady said walking over behind him to the fridge. Obtaining the quart of orange juice and downing the refreshing, cold drink in large heaps.  
  
"I'm telling you Brady, one day your going to find yourself in peril, years from now and see why writing isn't all that bad. It actually helps and my grades are starting to show a hint of change due to my tutor."  
  
"Oh yes that's right. Now how is Miss Sunshine doing by the way? I haven't had the pleasure of her deathly glow in ages. I'm actually quite missing her normal eye roll behind the clogs she calls her reading glasses and our bickering," he grinned mischievously.   
  
"Riiight," Phillip said. "Well, if your talking about Chloe, she's been doing okay and been a great help. I even admit she's not the best person to communicate with but she has her reasons. Sooo with that said me and Belle have a date later on, Chloe is coming by to pick up her books would you mind… Brady, I know that look, please, dude."  
  
"No offense Phil, but I'm glad you and my sister are going healthy and strong. But there is no way I'm going to sit around for death to come by and pick her books. I have better things to be doing, like my female friends," as a smug grin took over his face. Placing the empty carton down, Brady patted his uncle on the shoulder, "Sorry no can do, but I still care."  
  
Phillip quickly turned away from the stool and caught Brady, "Oh okay Brady fair is fair. But I don't think you'd want any one knowing about a certain something happening at a keg party one time, now would you…"  
  
Brady had begun to open his mouth in a speechless tone when the third roommate entered. Shawn was in a rush and paid no attention to what had been going on. Going straight to his room and slamming the door.  
  
Phillip and Brady both exchanged confused glances before one went knocking to the door while the other made his escape.  
  
"Damnit, Kiriakis," Brady mumbled. Tapping Shawn's door, "Shawn? PMS again?" Brady kidded softly before opening the door on his own. And what he found wasn't nothing shocking, just the normal image of Shawn blasting his music loudly and eyes closed dreaming of nothing, perhaps. Walking over, he wiggled his feet a bit to wake him. "Yo! Shawn, my man, something going on?"  
  
Removing the headphones a tad bit, "What's the problem?" he asked annoyed.  
  
"The same thing I'd like to know, man your bugging, is something going on you'd like to talk to me about?"  
  
"No, not really. Not unless you know the answers of why I've only been on the campus for 2 weeks and it seems that the entire women population have either been corrupted by you or just brainless period."  
  
"Is that what's got you down?," Brady said rubbing it to the side. Having thought it was something serious.  
  
"No, but when I actually do meet a girl who is decent she's got baggage out this world. I mean she has these killer eyes, very smart, and it seems she's occupied…"  
  
"By me no doubt," Brady said cockily which only got an eye roll from Shawn as he found himself putting back on his headphones. "Hey Shawn, can you do me a favor?"  
  
"Yeah, sure, what is it?"  
  
"Phil's tutor, Chloe, I don't think you've met her, well she'll be coming by to pick up her books do you think you can stay close by so when she does come by you can give it to her? She's not hard to miss, the glasses is a dead giveaway," Brady winked and left before giving him the chance to say no, "Bye".  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
  
To his surprise when Brady returned back from his rendezvous with Eliza he heard laughing. One voice belonged to Shawn, there was no mistake there. When he left the guy seemed to be in the worst mood but it appeared he was having the time of his life now with all the boisterous laughing he was doing.  
  
As Brady began to insert his key to their dorm, he heard the musical laughter of another voice. A girl's voice floated soundly out the walls and echoed to the hall. Entrapping him had been the melody and lightness of it. He soon found himself closing his eyes until a loud thump came from inside. Quickly jiggling his key and the door to open he found Shawn hovering over the girl's body. Helping assist her back up.  
  
"Everything okay in here, I heard something…" And his words were drowned out by what he saw. There was Shawn and then there was Chloe. But different. At some point of her fall apparently her glasses had found their way off her head, hair fell past her shoulders, and there was color in her face. "Hey," Brady said lightly.  
  
"Brady, hey, you know funny story. I know Chloe, had I known you meant her I could have probably been in a better mood earlier. I met her when I was in boarding school and she's changed a lot," Shawn smiled staring back to her. Chloe smiled to Brady's constant amazement. His curiosity was growing by the minute.  
  
"Brady," Chloe said in a nice voice.   
  
"Diva, hello, how have you been?" Brady said trying to continue a nice conversation unlike the past ones which began with 'Dumbass' and ended with 'What a b***h'.  
  
"I'm doing pretty good," she smiled brightly to him.   
  
The smile warmed Brady and not knowing where this sudden warmth came from he tried to hide the enthusiasm that took place when he experienced some of her glow. 'What's going on?' he thought. His mind could take the long silence of wonder but another part of him yearned for something more. Not being able to place it at the time. He stared toward Shawn and Chloe. She'd returned her attention back to Shawn, giving Brady an unwanted chill.  
  
"Shawn, it's so good to have you here. I've been needing company, and you're the only one who understands," she said looking down to her hands which were being held by his.  
  
Understanding silently Shawn hugged her. Knowing that's what she needed. 'God, how I've missed these,' was the first thought that came to him when he felt her giving himself so willingly. It had taken him such a long time to get to know her long ago. She'd been so depressed and eventually he found out why. "I'll be here for you this time."  
  
Standing to the back, Brady looked bewildered and turned to closed the door. As he was doing so he felt something stinging in his back.   
  
Chloe was looking sadly toward him. She blinked a tear but didn't dare hide it from Brady.   
  
He stared back…  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
(3 months later, December)  
  
"Yes!" Phillip shouted with all the air in his lungs. Dancing and jumping excitedly he ran to Belle and gave her a strong hug that just about took the life out of her. He'd passed his winter exams. And the first person he knew he needed to call and thank was Chloe.  
  
"What was that for," Belle asked as he released her a bit. The hug was incredible looking up to him she noticed the glimmer in his eye and melted. His fingers were pelting through her back lovingly, she rubbed his shoulders to signal for him to speak. Staring at him she couldn't help notice all the emotion in his face which meant it must have been his report card. And noticing the joy he was experiencing it must have been good.. "Good grades, eh Philly?"  
  
"Nothing but the best! Aw man, I have to call Chloe! Belle you did me the biggest favor introducing me to her! And besides that, when Shawn gets back I can give her the gift we got for her. It's in my car that Shawn is still gone in," Phillip sighed. Wondering what could have been taking him so long.  
  
Sensing the frustrations she quickly cooed it away, "You know the streets are bad out there it's possible he got caught in some bad traffic or something. And besides Chloe's on her way here. So by the time he gets her she'll be getting here and… Oh crap!," Belle quickly remembered. "Would you mind if I left to go back to my place and pick up some things or better yet, why don't you come with me? I mean Brady's here for when Chloe does arrive and I have something I want to show you…," she said eluding seductively down his body with her index finger. Quickly agreeing Phillip ran to let Brady know.  
  
Knocking thunderously, "Brady! Brady! Come on, dude wake up, pleassseee wake up man! It's an emergency! Bra..," the last syllable died at his lips as a sleepy Brady in only his boxers opened up.  
  
Yawning, "what's up?"  
  
"Chloe, I need you to wait for her here. Shawn is out buying her some special surprise and Belle left something at her place. So do you think you can wait for her?," Phillip asked with pleading eyes.  
  
Wiping his face sleepily, Brady sighed heavily and with a groggy depth to his tone mellowed out, "Sure, yeah why not…" Not meaning for it to be a question as more of a statement. He'd grown to like Chloe more often the past few months through Shawn. Although he was still unsure about what her exact past, she'd been able to tell someone about the pain and not bottle it. Brady knew how that felt and at least she had Shawn. But there were moments when he wished she'd trust him as much and would share with him as much as she would to Shawn. After all Brady had began to open himself up to her. Even began telling her of his issues with girls and she'd call it, 'No wonder your such a dog' which didn't offend him since she was being honest. He had even been honest with her one day when she said something.   
  
At some point Phillip had left Brady's doorway and went to his little sister's place for whatever reasons he wasn't particularly interested in knowing about. With that, Brady got up to get a little bit more dressed before his guest would arrive…  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Sitting in the dark, silently hating this time of the year. Hoping and pleading it's torture would soon die. Getting up from her couch she went into her bedroom to obtain a candle to light. She needed that bright light at this point of her day. It was her only escape from reaching into the kitchen and making her own personal concoction. The one that began with too many but never enough aspirins but this time would be different if she allowed it. Under the cabinet lead the key to the end to all her sorrow. Drowning it out with a cool and refreshing cup of bleach to help down the aspirins plus the constant ache.  
  
Reaching her couch once again having lit the candle she sat down. Knowing she should have left by now but not finding a reason to. Feeling her wrist tenderly she massaged it and rubbed it. Increasing each stroke, rubbing, rubbing, and rubbing until her skin felt heated. It felt as hot as hit hot breath caressing her neck as she once slept in her bed at night, back home.   
  
Like Santa he'd sneak in through the night and always left her lump of coal. A lump of dread that filtered her mind and robbed her innocence, stolen through the night like everything else he'd ever touch on her. Fondling and fiddling unexplored areas that would cease to exist had she never had health. Alas he knew them well and traveled them well with his utensils.   
  
As her mother sat back and allowed it to happen, pretending the world was filled with rainbows, sunshine, and things better left unknown or unacknowledged.   
  
Feeling the vacancy, she entered her kitchen. She needed a quick fix, something to relax her, and to relieve the pain. Had to get rid of the pain. Got to get rid of it. Can't deal with it. Got to release. Got to release. Got to release. Can't hold on. Can't stand it. He's inside. So deep inside. Can't control the pain. Reaching into the knife drawer she pulled out her smallest friend, raised her black tank and etched a mark on top a previous scar located a bit above her naval.  
  
The coolness of the blade gliding into her skin delicately, making it memory slowly made her stop taking note of her father's touches and the touch of the current physical pain. She was beginning to make her way past the front of her stomach when a knock and the door stunned her. She felt as if she were a mouse, wanting to run into a corner and hide. Dropping the knife she did exactly that, she was afraid again. Even in her own home could she ever feel completely secure and at one. Huddling she shivered and rocked steadily.   
  
Drifting towards a slight sleep, she'd set herself for another death she wouldn't be aware of. Finding suicide was becoming the answer to again or whether she actually did forget about the candle that sat closely to her flammable curtains. Perhaps the inhalation of smoke would smother her like a warm blanket as she'd always hoped since the first fire.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~   
  
Brady had became worried when 20 minutes into waiting for Chloe to arrive that she hadn't he went over to her place. Knocked at the door and got no answer. Maybe he had been overreacting when something told him to see if something had been wrong. And he soon began to believe that theory until he thought he heard something fall.  
  
"Chloe" he yelled loudly for her to hear. Still no answer came. He knocked again before he let out a frustrated grunt at his meek attempt which became lame the moment he realized she was probably on her way and by the time she got there would realize no one was there since he'd come here making sure nothing was wrong here. Turning around, Brady was walking off when he heard a beeping from inside her apartment. Confused he knocked again, and this time grabbed the knob which had became hot since his last touch.  
  
"CHLOE!" Brady began banging the door. Worried, he looked around and panicked a brief moment before he used all his power to bust in the door. Upon entering the wall and everything had been a blaze. Leaving the apartment knocked on one of her neighbor doors and told them to call the police/fire department. Then Brady ran back into the apartment.  
  
Smoke blinding him and panging his eyes made it difficult to see let alone breathe. He needed to find her, as he found himself running past to search the rooms, the kitchen caught his eye. Deciding to follow his instincts once again he ran in there. And at first not seeing anything abnormal, Brady did a sweep again and this time caught the slumped over limp of a body on the floor. Picking the light body up, Brady quickly ran her out of the apartment. He ran her outside the apartment building for the fresh air and once out there began to give her C.P.R.   
  
Brady soon realized he felt a bit weird touching her lips this way knowing how he felt about… Or what exactly did he feel? One moment he felt sound and at others he felt eager for her company. A whisper of cough awakened him as Chloe began trying to sit up on her on. "You need to go the hospital, the police are on their way and it's cold out here, here take my jacket," Brady offered as he noticed her lips turning blue quickly for her to only have been outside a short period of time.  
  
"Please, don't let them take me," she begged lowly.  
  
Brady stared questioningly but deciding it wasn't the time to pursue it he gave into her attempts. Even if it was her apartment that was on fire, he could still not bring himself to saying no that voice nor the look of tenderness he felt whenever he saw her face. Picking her up gently he carried her to his Silver Impala and sat her on the passenger side. He turned the heat of full blast and waited for the fire department to arrive before he pulled off. Having made sure everyone had gotten out. It only took a matter of minutes for them to arrive so hopefully it hadn't been too much damage done he hoped. As he drove back to his dorm he noticed Chloe whispering through her sleep, "my bright light… it died"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Chloe awakened through the night to warmth. A feeling of safety and secure arms. In Brady's arm. He held her so tightly and closely she heard the rhythmic beat of his heart against her ears. "I'm not dead", she thought but said aloud to herself. Then gazing down to her clothing she soon realized she hadn't had on what she once was wearing. And her stomach was bandaged very lovingly. Smiling yet scared at what he possibly discovered. Nervousness and an excuse started to come to mind…  
  
"Don't worry," Brady said waking up slightly, "I won't tell your secret if you don't tell mine until your sure…"  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
"How much of a dog I am," he smiled down to her with an eye open.  
  
And for the first time Brady felt consent in dying happy tomorrow. She smiled at him, then kissed him, not a friendly kiss on the cheek but she found his lips and he hadn't dodged passed it. Welcomed it and then caressed her hand. Coming for air, "thank you" she said as she dozed back to a mindless sleep.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~   
  
A year became two years and the two held strong onto one another. Brady never let her out of his sight and she was always there supporting him. Their college years were rolling by quickly to them. Chloe experience happier day, having eventually giving up the image of darkness and accepting Brady as her light now. Though Brady had his doubts, it was something in the manner of Shawn that caused Brady to feel threatened. He knew that Shawn hadn't believed when Brady said he was serious about Chloe. He was being protective of her which was understandable but there was a limit to it.  
  
It was the night before Spring Break that the downfall took place in front of Brady's eye and he'd never noticed it.   
  
Chloe and Shawn were staying late to study at the library. He was going to later drop her off at Belle's place since she been living there for the past year since the guys at Brady's dorm couldn't handle the toilet or the nagging very well. Not so much of Brady and Shawn as it had been Phillip preaching that a man's place is his thrown, meaning the bathroom.  
  
Brady was chilling on the sofa when a knock at the door got him up from his grove. Opening it he was shocked to see who had been on the other side.  
  
"Eliza?"  
  
"Brady, I need to talk to you, it's important"  
  
"Yeah sure, sure what is it?"   
  
Staring at her back and checking her watch, she babbled for moments about nothing. But Brady hadn't known it, until she got a page and knew it was time.  
  
Closing in on the space between her and Brady she forced her tongue down his mouth open in shock. And for reasons out of his old habits he'd only kissed her back for a brief moment, but it was long enough for Chloe to see it as Shawn came up from behind her.  
  
"You bastard," Shawn said as felt himself wanting to rail his fist into Brady's face but couldn't as Chloe broke off in a fast sprint. Shawn ran after as Brady pushed Eliza harshly to the side and followed right after.   
  
Shawn had just been pushing the door to the outside when he the cars screeching and a body being flung to the side…  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
She survived the accident and accepted Brady almost too easily back. Made of joke of things that once affected her and played around constantly. Unlike her quiet self. She became more involved in activities she hadn't cared about. And everyone was fooled. They thought she'd been better.   
  
Loving her unconditionally, even Brady was still plagued by his betrayal and in time realized he'd knew better. He hadn't really done anything wrong. Knowing it was Shawn's attempt t ruin them. Which in the end probably did. He hoped for more but had it not been for one infamous night of running late maybe he would have caught her before she'd drank her final drink and take the last of the depression pills Brady hadn't known of…  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~   
  
  
Sitting here writing, has helped me a bit. Finding another love has helped as well. But she'll always be second best to the real love I'd experienced. And the sad thing, I can't accept until this day was I never got the chance to tell her I love her one last time. Nor say goodbye. Or tell her how much I wanted to be there, I was just hoping to pick up the ring and propose to her that night. But now I'll only know sadly… 


End file.
